I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
