you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I believe in your delicious
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
