we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
Boobs speak an international language.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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