Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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