I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
