One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Jerry, you need to find god
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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