DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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