you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
My ATM looks so different sober.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
