we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
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