you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
