my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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