Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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