I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
