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You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
