i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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