JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
