walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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