I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
