dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
