anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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