I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
