I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
i think my cat just said my name.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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