Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
