Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize