My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
3pm strippers are depressing
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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