Little spoons don't ask big questions
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
i think i just lost a toe
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
