what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
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She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
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There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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