Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Even my vagina gasped.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
