Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
