I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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