Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
