You smell like a Billy Joel song
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
