So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Randomize
