I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
