Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
splinters make it hard to masturbate
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
