Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
