I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
