the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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