My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
