While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
