I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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