The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
