I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I just want to make out with him forever
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
