I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
