What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
