I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Randomize
