All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
