ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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