Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Randomize
