I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
