Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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