i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
