Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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