I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
