i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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