The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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