I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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